Cigarettes

I needed space. I didn’t want you to see my dark side. Why did you have to follow me? There is so much ugliness in me when I am like this and I didn’t want you to know about it yet.

Maybe it’s because I was trying to hide my own ugliness, but I never knew you had a dark side too. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I should have never called you ugly or dirty. Please, I knew you were beautiful once and you could be beautiful again.

I saw the tears streaming away as you melted into your pain. I wanted to gather it up and give it back to you. It looked so painful, the rivulets streaming away from your body and taking away from your greatness.

Why do we have to show our ugly side so soon? I wish I could find a way to replace what you have lost, but once the damage has been caused the scars will always show.

I burned away my light and dropped ashes all through your loveliness. I burned into your soul until there was no danger of you ever remaining the same. Can you ever see me the same way again? Can you ever find me beautiful and charming and strong? Can you like what I created?

The worst part of all of this is I did this to myself. It was my own weakness, my own addiction washing over me causing all this damage.

I want to promise I will never hurt you again, but I know I am weak. There is no promise I can make when my own weakness overshadows my ability to overcome my addiction.

You could be my new addiction. Let me make you my habit. Teach me to be strong and compassionate. Let me see the pain I caused so I can see what I need to do to be strong.

Please forgive me so I can forgive myself.