Staying Whole

Anonymous
I try to let the world know I am staying whole.
I put on a smile
(Sometimes I need to paint it on, but at least it's there, right?)
I look them in the eye
I laugh
I play
I let them know I'm fine
My words speak what my heart wants
But my brain knows everything is not fine
It's better here
Because I don't need to hide my brokenness
Everyone here has shattered lives
So pretending to be whole
Takes less effort
No one knows exactly how broken I really am
When I don't have to say the words
Tumbling through my head
And am only allowed to use the words they tell me to use
It's easy to hide away my pain
And gather my broken parts into myself
Smile and nod
Use “I” statements
Repeat back the words they are saying
So they think you are listening to them
No one cares what I am going through
Once I leave these doors I don’t exist for them
Why am I so surprised when they turn away from me
When they see me in the store
Or at the pool
Or at the restaurant
I am not real to them
I am outside of the world where I exist for them
We created pseudo-relationships
It isn't any more real than the smile I painted on my face
To hide away all my broken pieces