Scream

Trust-Age 26
It builds up inside of me until I can't control it any more and it comes out in one prolonged explosion of sound. I try to hold it in as long as I can. All of my life I've been told no one wants to hear it. It's my problem. Deal with it. Your voice doesn't matter. Your voice isn't as loud as mine. I didn't hear your voice when you said no. You didn't really mean it when you said no.
You took my voice away from me. Pressed it down inside of me as if you didn't hear it, didn't see it. You pressed until it hurt so bad I couldn't hold it in any more.
You took away my voice. You took away everything that was precious and good about me. You had no right to what I had, but you took it any way. You covered my mouth and choked away my screams. You took away the moments I was saving for my love and poisoned the joy I would share with the only one who mattered to me.
I'm not talking about my virginity. I don't even know if that word has any meaning any more. I'm talking about my ability to ever trust another human being. I'm talking about being able to accept the touch of someone who loves me without flinching. Without suppressing the tiny scream that wants to escape every time some one tries to hug me. I save up the screams until I'm alone and can let them escape when there is no one there staring at me as I yell out my pain.
I was alone as I crossed in front of the protesters who screamed at me when I went for treatment for all the things you left behind. I wanted to shout back that they couldn't understand why I needed help, why I needed to cleanse my soul of the filth you left inside. I squeezed my lips together and swallowed the sobs back as they looked for disease and took what rooted in place from inside me. Leaving a void where I had covenanted to keep sacred. I wanted to fill that void, but every time I remember what happened the scream builds again.
Sometimes I can't hold back the sounds and they escape to race my pain around the room. Circling and echoing and building until the pain is too much and I need to bury into myself and hide away from everything. I wait there until the silence becomes too much and then I begin to build up the screams again. Tucking them away until I need them again.