Constant of Faith, Generous by Heart
I called upon the only God I knew in those last moments.
I prayed. I cried. I begged. I did everything in my power to bring life into
the world. I wasn’t praying for myself. I was praying for her. After so many
losses she was all I could ever hope for. I just wish I could have been there
beyond the first moments of her life. The glimpse I had of her before I faded
away wasn’t enough to satisfy my desire to hold her.
All of those years I spent in service to God and others,
those were cold replacement for my empty arms. I ached to hold my own child every
time I brought food to a new mother, or hemmed a baptismal gown, or counseled a
new father whose hands trembled the first time he held his child. I would hide
my tears behind a forced smile and wait until I returned home to bury my face
in my pillow to stifle the screams throbbing in my heart.
Oh, my husband, I know how you loved me. You never blamed
me for the times I carried a fragile life within my body only to be cast out by
some misbegotten moment. Just like every man, you never understood why I would
sob so bitterly for the barely formed life my body rejected, sometimes even
before I was aware it was there. So, I would hide my tears behind a false mask
of love and servitude. Your meals were always on time and your clothes were
always well cared for, pressed and cleaned. You never had a need to complain
about my ability to keep house or tend to the budget. I gave my whole self to
you and to my service to others. And yet nothing I did could soothe the aching
in my heart.
You were my last hope. My last earthly desire, my child. From
the moment you took root I knew you would be my last. I prayed for you. I
begged for every moment of your life. I gave my whole self to you, even after
the doctors said bringing you into this world would end my own life. I know
your father resented you. After all, giving you life took my own. My greatest
sorrow in life was knowing I was leaving you to be suckled at the breast of
another woman. No other woman could love you as I loved you.
Every moment I had with you gave me hope and strength. From
the first moment I felt the butterfly wings of you flutter in my belly to the
last moments of pain I endured as I ripped my body apart to allow you to
breathe, I loved you. My last moments were spent studying your face, taking in
every inch of your body so I could remember you and imagine you growing into
the young woman I prayed you would become.
I miss you, my child. I know this cold monument is a poor
replacement for a mother’s arms. The woman I choose to be your nursemaid was
kind and loving. I knew she would care for you, even if your father could not.
You replaced the child she lost and even though her status would never equal my
husband’s I know she gave him comfort in his bed, if not in his heart. I could never
resent her. I had you.
You were loved, oh child of mine. I know you were. I do
not mind finding rest here. My soul has found solace in the service of my God
and in the knowledge I have given you the world. I want joy for you and peace
and love. All the things a mother could give a child. I will rest knowing you have
life and the opportunity to find all these things. Be at peace my child. I am.
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